dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
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Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?