Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
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Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts