Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
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This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Human are so complicated
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
This kid will have a bright future.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.