@batkaren

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

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@mela_shea

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

@aka_fatman

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

@lovemydogduck

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

@itsWillyFerrell

My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
It’s not a very good poem, but it’s very deep.

@obijawn

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

@JediGigi

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

@RogerQuimbly

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

@SomthinBoutSara

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships