Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
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One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.