The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
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[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔