Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
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overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Oh you’re in the shower? Here’s the seven worst songs from your playlist.
– shuffle mode
Life tip: If you’re curious if you’ve gotten fat, have a kid draw your picture.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?