@AndrewChamings

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

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@megancollins

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

@Love_bug1016

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

@kcmoore51

Oh you’re in the shower? Here’s the seven worst songs from your playlist.

– shuffle mode

@MouthOfSass

Life tip: If you’re curious if you’ve gotten fat, have a kid draw your picture.

@WheelTod

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

@alymoemaly

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?