*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
those birds must be on payroll
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”