*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes