@DrakeGatsby

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

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@hell_homer

btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong

@suecorvette

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

@ericONEderful

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

@bossybutfair

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

@Squirreljustice

I’m wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.

@Macar00ny

The first time a girl walked up to me and gave me her number I didn’t know what to do so I ate it.

@tuckerflodman

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

@mommy_cusses

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

@sass_n_ass

Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette