I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.
You’re now their prom date!
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig
[Silver Singles Meetup]
Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself
Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had
Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…
Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in