@DrakeGatsby

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

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@envydatropic

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

@Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

@brendohare

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

@StewieTea2

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.

You’re now their prom date!

@ChicksRule

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

@freshhel

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

@lenigs17

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

@WigCannon

your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig

@TomatoTomoto1

[Silver Singles Meetup]

Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself

Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had

Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…

Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste

@evidentlyblonde

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in