*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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craving $300 all of a sudden
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.