*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.