Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

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*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.


Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give


On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep


“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”


ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.


If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.


[sending smoke signals]







They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.


Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning