Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
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I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep