If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
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I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Congrats on getting divorced while you’re still hot.
I think it’s lame how Justin Bieber has millions of Beliebers yet Queen Latifah only has like 8 Beliefahs.
The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My biggest regret is probably that time I let a guy dressed up as a hotdog give me a haircut.
“Tell me about a time you defied authority to achieve a goal.”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.