Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@yeaanotherchris

*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.

@thentherewasmo

Nicki Minaj is my favorite teletubby

@JurassicPark2go

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

@Spaziotwat

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

@Michael_Erhart

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

@ericsshadow

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

@Gupton68

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

@chuuew

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

@DeadLioness

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

@DanLaMorte

Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning