@seriouslyemily

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

@3sunzzz

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

@YourTextSpoken

I think it’s lame how Justin Bieber has millions of Beliebers yet Queen Latifah only has like 8 Beliefahs.

@kelkulus

The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.

@AllyBallyBeal

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

@CelebrityChez

My biggest regret is probably that time I let a guy dressed up as a hotdog give me a haircut.

@novicefather

[interview]

“Tell me about a time you defied authority to achieve a goal.”

Me: no

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.