Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
why isn’t he texting back
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
taking June’s advice to heart
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no