Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
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i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.