Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
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[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
No, takeout goes in the front seat.
You sit in the back.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.