Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down