I just saw an honest political leader, riding a unicorn.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
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WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep
her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
If I haven’t said something mildly offensive today I’m sorry and I promise to try harder
Executioner: Any last words?
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.