@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

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@Brampersandon_

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

@novicefather

her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows

@jocylan

If I haven’t said something mildly offensive today I’m sorry and I promise to try harder

@abbycohenwl

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

@Donna_McCoy

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

@longwall26

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.