Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
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I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
black phone good
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.