Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
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I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I got bills
They’re multiplying
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names