Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.


Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.


Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)


Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.


Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.


[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.


a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath


“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb