@SvnSxty

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

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@lloydrang

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

@Canadian_Cutie_

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos

Officer: Get in my car it’s faster

@pilau

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

@SortaBad

saleslady: can I help you
“yes, how many leg holes do these pants have?”
saleslady: ummm just the usual two
“nice, nice”

@OakHill_

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

@Anna_Ficco1

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it five to six times, just to be sure.

@ImSoFrancis

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

@simoncholland

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

@mjkspeaks

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”