Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Me too 😆
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.