I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
*ernest hemingway voice*
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
☠️☠️☠️
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Google assistant rules