Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Hate when I’m being chased by a shark and I make it to land, only to find out he’s tied to the back of a tiger.
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
When people tell me to get my act together I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle