Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

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Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks


Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.


[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks


Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk


Hate when I’m being chased by a shark and I make it to land, only to find out he’s tied to the back of a tiger.



Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?


When people tell me to get my act together I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent.


*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.


Applicant: 8PM.



I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.