Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
the three genders
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming