*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Monday Lisa
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*