@ElleOhHell

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

- @ElleOhHell

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@jokeymcjokeface

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

@tastefactory

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

@sistersleaze

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

@trevso_electric

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

@ItsMePonyBoy

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

@thepatrickwalsh

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

@SteveSuckington

Do these jeans make me look fat? And don’t cover your nose this time!

-Pinocchio’s girlfriend

@NeinQuarterly

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

@VodkaThursday

I got an email from Olga. She thinks I’m sweet & “longs for finding a special person for serious relations”. So there’s always that.