@ElleOhHell

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

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@MisterBombay

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

@Brampersandon_

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

@krustythe_klown

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

@jessforaminute

[Wine tasting]

*Swirls and sniffs glass

Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity

Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty

@dog_feelings

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

@JoelKrass

Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.

@PinkCamoTO

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

@suzannemariedo

Teenaged Shark: *opening lunch box* ughh not peanut butter and jellyfish AGAIN

@McAttack88

Is it wrong to follow people just because they’re hot?

Also, what about on Twitter?