@ElleOhHell

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

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@TheMichaelRock

It’s not really a random act of kindness if you planned it, photographed it, and posted it to social media.

@LizerReal

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

M: I have what they call animal magnetism.

H: *sidles up to me*
*winks* Oh yeah?

M: Uh-huh. *points to squirrel affixed to stray cat*

@WilliamAder

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

@garyfromteenmom

[first date]
ok dont let them know i stalked them online
them: my aunt–
me: theresa or sharon

@Ristolable

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

@gruffybeard

Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.

Dad: So you’re saying they almost…

Mom: Don’t do it!

Dad: …mowed you down.

@KevinFarzad

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

@Holy_Mowgli

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

@gHOEstgurl

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job