If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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The three genders
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Nobody teaches you how to use a semicolon; you just read shit like this and it clicks
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats