*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
an airline just for babies.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.