*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
thinking about a very short hotdog
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.