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When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Best spot.. 😅
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best