@scorpicpanda

{discussing wedding dresses}
CW1: I had mine preserved.
CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You?
Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.

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@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

@ch000ch

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

@JDotComma

I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.

@lildandeli0n

*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*

@notbedelia

911: what’s your emergency?

M: I’m out of ketchup.

911: miss I don’t think u get how 911 works.

M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK

@LostFelicia

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

@UltraPunch

It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…

Also you just tried it.

@NippleAdam

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

@MarfSalvador

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

@Swishergirl24

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.