@scorpicpanda

{discussing wedding dresses}
CW1: I had mine preserved.
CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You?
Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.

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@daddydoubts

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

@iwearaonesie

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

@AmazingPhil

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

@Darlainky

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

@daemonic3

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

@Contwixt

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

@JohnHilsen

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

@MorticiaKate

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

@frankzulla

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?