@scorpicpanda

{discussing wedding dresses}
CW1: I had mine preserved.
CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You?
Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.

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@SaltyCorpse

This guy in this waiting room is talking to me.

I’m gonna marry him so he’ll leave me alone.

@just1fool

No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

@DadZZZasleep

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

@ItsDanSheehan

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

@TheNewDomShow

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

@Contwixt

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

@alldrolledup

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

@starwarsshirt

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

@HatfieldAnne

In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.