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“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
an airline just for babies.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
finally
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.