Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.