*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
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son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.