*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit