Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
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[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Wednesday
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
mechanics be like
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job