DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

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when I hit 45 I’m going to start sleeping in a coffin. let’s be honest, my lifestyle choices have been questionable


[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio


Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.


someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE


If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.


I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.


My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*


one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth


The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story