Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Carpe DM
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan