My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
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Damn he played himself
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead