DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
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[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
You wish you had this many chins.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
incredible
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.