Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
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I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.