tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
You Might Also Like
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
The days of good grammer has went
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews