I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?