Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
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dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*