Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
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My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs