(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
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wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in