DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
You Might Also Like
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I am laughing way too hard at this.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.