@AdamBroud

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

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@TheToddWilliams

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

@SamuelHLowe

My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.

@thetits

GOD: there, my first animal ūüôā
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

@daemonic3

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. ūüôĀ

@3sunzzz

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

@loudmouth_usa

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

@drhappyknuckles

First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.

@AnniemuMary

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

@danjan13

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.