CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
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My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.