[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.