Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.