DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days

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~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.


I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.


7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute?

Me: You got a warrant?


I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.


My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.


Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her


God: I made a rainbow!

Devil: I’m making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.


Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.


Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??


Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.