[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days
You Might Also Like
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to…
Husband: Do you mean with other people?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”