@ibid78

DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days

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@WeissBrandon

YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!!

~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.

@kalindi_rana

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

@Mr_Kapowski

7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute?

Me: You got a warrant?

@Just__J0

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

@SnellWarren

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

@pilau

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

@better_off_dad

God: I made a rainbow!

Devil: I’m making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.

@IamJackBoot

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

@tastefactory

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

@momTruthBomb

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.