Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
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❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]