Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
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Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.