Everybody gangsta until the cockroach starts flying
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
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Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I felt that…
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
friend: wanna go out
person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!
I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.
BF: Come over. Let’s do sex.
Me: I’m tired.
BF: I have tacos.
Me: It’s late.
Brendan Fraser: I won’t make you watch my movies.
Me: On my way
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000
Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left
Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!