@LuvPug

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

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@gigi_k1

Everybody gangsta until the cockroach starts flying

@LurkAtHomeMom

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

@JVarsityCaptain

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

@_funnypool

friend: wanna go out

person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!

@knotta_tardfan

I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.

@xLiserx

BF: Come over. Let’s do sex.
Me: I’m tired.
BF: I have tacos.
Me: It’s late.
Brendan Fraser: I won’t make you watch my movies.
Me: On my way

@capnwatsisname

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

@rudy_mustang

Genie: you have three wishes

Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000

Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left

Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000

@ArfMeasures

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!