DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Neighbor is running through her back yard screaming “I can’t take this anymore”. Husband is just watching silently sipping his coffee.
My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Gf: you’re speeding!
Me: no im not
Gf: what’s the speed limit?
Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit