Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
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SPLOOT
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
