Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.

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Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid


How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.


Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room


WINNIE THE POOH: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
ME: Use regular words you half naked glutton


Who the hell decided “have a happy period” was an okay thing to write on maxi pads? “NOT WORTH THE JAIL TIME” would have been more relevant.


[trying to be the cool dad]

me: what is up lit fam

15yo: dad, please stop

me: what are the goals of your squad


Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine


*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.


My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*