“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.