Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.
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How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
WINNIE THE POOH: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
ME: Use regular words you half naked glutton
Who the hell decided “have a happy period” was an okay thing to write on maxi pads? “NOT WORTH THE JAIL TIME” would have been more relevant.
[trying to be the cool dad]
me: what is up lit fam
15yo: dad, please stop
me: what are the goals of your squad
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO