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sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Me My dog
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites